14 things you learn when you move back home with your parents

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  • A few revelations about living back under your parents' roof

    Whether you’re returning home for the semester or after the big three years at Uni, popping home for the weekend or moving back in whilst you save for a house deposit, there are a few things you need to remember to help you navigate the trecherous course that is your childhood home.

    Here’s what you will learn, or most importantly remember, almost instantly:

    What soft linen is like

    Forget crispy, stale towels, (the products of rusting washing machines that recycle water) washing is soft, bouncy and fresh again. Clothes also gets separated into coloured loads, so gone are the days of grey socks and jeans, which should be white and black respectively.

    What regulated mealtimes are

    Prompted by the fact that parents don’t allow you to lounge around till 1pm anymore, meal times are eaten in the correct order at the correct times. Granola at 7am, sandwiches at lunch and dinner is on the table at 8pm, prompt. Gone are the days of cereal lunches and 2am dinners.

    The sight of a full fridge

    Juicy chunks of butcher bought ham, fancy cheeses from French regions you can’t even pronounce and more fresh juice than Innocent’s Headquarters – welcome back to the life of the full fridge. Things are decantered into plastic pots and homemade bakes sit under the cake stand again!

    What bare foot feels like

    The struggles of finding socks, slippers of flip-flops to wonder around your room are gone. Now feel free, people, to rise from bed and firmly place your feet on the floor without crumbs wedging themselves between toe cavities or hair strands chaining your ankles together.

    How many utensils are available

    So we managed just fine in our basic digs with a blunt knife and a wooden spoon, however once you move home you will wonder how you ever lived without your hard-boiled egg slicer. Zesters and apple-corers are used daily and we haven’t even got to the drawer of measuring spoons yet.

    Bottles are not a display

    Vodka bottles make great displays, are reminders of fantastic nights and are left on the side for easy reach. Back at your parents’ house however, to display alcoholic beverages like they’re pieces of furniture is not acceptable. Mums scurry them away to the appropriate liquor cupboards, but be warned, siblings will steal them.

    That everything has a new place

    Cereals once lived on the left hand side, the fruit bowl was once in the dining room and who knows where the coffee is now – parents love to spring clean and have a move around when you’re away.
    Worse yet, you will return to a dumping ground that was once your bedroom – cue your brother’s drum kit, mum’s sewing mannequin and dad’s climbing gear. Since when did dad rock-climb anyway?

    Calendars are the family’s lifeline

    Mothers are organised specimens with assigned evening meals and plans which date way into 2018. Announcing, therefore, that you will be going out in five minutes time will be met with a stern look and a series of questions. Moreover, announcing you have guests ARRIVING in five minutes will be met with ‘we will talk in the morning’.

    How to drive again

    Three months away and your little toy has been gathering some dust in the corner of mum and mad’s drive – navigating it out of the drive is one thing, but remembering how to drive is another. What does the left pedal do again? What way does the key turn? How do I plug in my iPod? Tip: don’t ask your parents these questions, they will panic and insist they come out with you for your first drive like you’re a learner again.

    Apparently things were built with sole functions

    So, apparently ironing boards shouldn’t be used at tables when you have people over, helmets are not functional bowls anymore (you have to wash one up) and eating yogurts with mixing spoons is not okay. Everything has a specific purpose, and place we might add, and should be used solely for its function.

    What an empty bin looks like

    The bin actually gets emptied. It’s tucked away from sight behind cupboards and doors, you can distinguish the colour of it because it is clean and there is always space to chuck bits on top. Gone are the days of fighting over the over-spilling bin, at home it’s emptied by fairies at night…

    There will be no post

    You will return back to your 11-year old self who never, ever receives post unless it’s a birthday. At uni you would have received fun cards from home, miss-you notes from friends and the dreaded bills or notices from landlords, but back at home it’s not yours unless it’s Christmas – and even then cards are addressed to your mum.

    There aren’t any weird smells

    It turns out not everyone’s bin smells, not everyone’s drain gurgles and spits stuff back and not every fridge has smelly yellow crust. Living with your parents is a smell-free zone complemented by spritzers and smelly candles that can be lit without fear of setting off the fire alarm.

    How much you missed your parents

    The nagging, constant cleaning up after you, regimented daily rituals, pushing your feet off of tables, loudly huffing when you leave your shoes in the middle of doorways and chorus of ‘turn it downs’ are all part and parcel of living back with your parents, and we secretly wouldn’t have it any other way.

    …and now for the other side! Here’s what PARENTS learn when their kids return!.

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