1 You've never understood the allure of a big city.
Sirens, shouty fast-walking people, smog and concrete?! Give us starry skies, open fields, bleating sheep and chocolate box cottages any day!
2 Your childhood playground was built out of hay not metal.
Who needs climbing frames when you can clamber over hay bales, hang swing ropes on trees or play Poohsticks in the local brook?
3 Waiting more than 5 minutes for public transport is no big deal.
Just missed the bus? No bother, the next one is only in an hour – bonus!
4 You prefer the smell of manure to people.
Fresh countryside air with a touch of pong vs packed evening commuter train in the height of summer? We rest our case...
5 You know the difference between a slow worm and a snake.
What are you screaming for? It's only a legless lizard for goodness sake.
6 You don't actually live where you say you do.
If you give the name of your village to anyone other than a local you're only met with blank, confused expressions.
It's easier just to say Cambridge. Or Cambridgeshire. Or the South East.
7 ‘Just popping to the shops' isn't in your vocabulary.
When the nearest store is 20kms away, buying groceries can be a mission only to be undertaken during the week.
(Weekend opening hours? What?) Clothes shopping, especially, is a time-consuming feat. Multiple lists and strategic route planning is required: ‘Yes, you can go to Topshop, but we'll have to take your brother to M&S to get school shoes and your Dad needs some new shirts from Debenhams'.
8 You don't think it's weird when strangers say hello.
A polite 'good morning' or quick chat with anyone you meet is commonplace countryside etiquette. In fact, NOT saying hello is weird!
9 You don't understand why people don't like animals/have pets* (*delete as appropriate).
I can't believe you don't have a dog, is your horse scared of them or something? You don't have a horse? Oh. Chickens at least? No? Wow... *awkward silence*.
10 Your default outfit is jeans and wellies.
High heels, fancy dresses... who are you kidding? Not if you want to arrive anywhere comfortably, on time and without being covered in mud.
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